Ive been plagued by mobile silent calls from an international call centre recently and its fooking annoying! Im registered on TPS for my mobile phone and I still get these damn calls all from the same 08000 number.

Ive worked in sales, so why cant the sales person from either India, France, Pakistan or Greenock have the confidence to attempt to speak to me and let me know that my mobile phone contract is not saving me money and that they want to send me a free phone with lots of free mins and texts. They must know that I am going to say no, so when my number comes up on the random dialling system they must quake in fear that Stephen Sherry is next to be called..

I did have a call before I was on TPS: ( The following account has been dramatised to add salt and favour )

Phone Rings… Ring ring…

Stephen: Hello? ( In English accent. I adopt this for unfamiliar numbers )

Caller: Hi, I wanna talk about phones.

Stephen: Pray tell on..

Calller: Yeah, the phone you have. It aint right for you.

Stephen: Shall I call it and dump it?

Caller: ( Laughs hesitantly, his mind racing to overcome my smart ass objection handling technique )

Caller: Well if it isn’t attractive to you Sir, maybe I can be match maker?

Stephen: Okay Mr Match Maker, match me with something..

Caller: Ah! I can see you like to talk.. A talker needs a lot of minutes on his mobile. I can give you 150 a month.

Stephen: 150 a month sounds like an engrossing offer. But I have 300 minutes a month.

Caller: Ah! you like to REALLY talk?! To ladies and lots of them I bet sir!

Stephen: And men too. I believe in equality. Not just chicks dig the sexy voice..

Caller: ( Laughs ) Okay! 200mins and 700 texts. Think of it this way, you can entertain the chicks by sending sexy texts! lots of them!

Stephen: But my sexy texts could be done for gross obscenity. How would you like it if I typed: Purple Headed Warrior and text you?

Caller: ( Laughing his sales ass off ) Well I might be impressed by that sir!

Stephen: I have 35 inch legs and would look impressive in tights..

Caller: ( becoming unsure of my skills.. ) Er..okay. Anyway. This offer..

Stephen ( I butt in ) What about my offer?

Caller: What offer is that sir?

Stephen: About me texting you Purple Headed Warrior and coming to see you after work so you can gaze at my 35 inch legs in American Tan Tights?

Caller: Oh er I only want to speak about phones. Now if you could confirm your postcode..

Stephen: You don’t like tights. Okay, brown corduroy then? I look good in them..

Caller: Sir, if we can get back to the reason for the call.

Stephen: Your trying to close me while I try to get close to you.

Caller: Eh?

Stephen: Your trying to sell me a naff phone with naff mins and texts I will never use. I don’t text anyone any more. I’m unwanted. Round here, they don’t like 35 inch legs in tights under brown corduroy. But you my friend, your voice evokes a fondness.. Let me open you…

( At this stage the caller hangs up )

Tonight, I composed a chapter to Ofcom.