A bit of background knowledge to this evening’s post. I wont go into the finer details though.

When your family live in a street for 20 years and get to know the neighbours and be friends, watching people die, move on, being born, watching them grow up, then all of a sudden due to a stupid, pointless argument the friendships go tits up. The friendships formed die. All that is left is walls of silence.

There are two sides to one story, and it all started with that stupid pointless argument between my late mother and neighbour. I wasn’t witness to it, so I cant really comment about it, nor will take sides. However, if someone doesn’t want to talk to me any more in the street, then I don’t like confrontation. If they say hi, I shall say hi back. If not, then I wont. If that is the best approach time will tell.

Anyway. This evening it all came to a head to an initially heated confrontation between myself and said neighbour. She made me think though about who I am. She said to me that my parents would always harp on how clever, gifted I am ( all parents do this about their children )

‘ All the talent and brains you have, and you are working in a call centre.. ‘ ( I don’t work in a call centre, although I used to for a while )

That comment was a dig but there was no point rising to it. But she did hit it home that I have not fulfilled my ambitions. I sit at this PC at my home, I have blogged on about music and how I am a musician and I have this talent. Okay Stephen, we need proof.

Wait a minute. Musician? Where is my music? I haven’t made any new tracks ( well finished any ) for a while. I have never performed live, I turn down all collaborations because I am a pig headed perfectionist with sound. Its not procrastination. It is complete fear.

I am afraid to finish things in case it is not the spectacular sound I thought it was. A fear of people telling me ‘ its okay Stephen ‘

It cant be just ‘ okay ‘ It has to be brilliant, it has to stand out. It has to get me noticed.

Fear of failure is holding me back, it is making me sit in the main event studio with all my musical machines creating a musical vision that only I want to hear and enjoy.

My neighbour problem after a few years resolved itself tonight and everything is okay now. But I am disturbed that I am failing. Did my parents hopes and dreams for me indulge me to assume that everything I am good at must be brilliant and okay is not a good?

My motto is failure is not an option. But I am failing. Who I am right now, is not me. My neighbour is right and I salute her for telling me this.

Out of a sticky situation comes something good. She made me finally realise what I have to do.