Recently, the turmoil of 2006 has disappeared, I am enjoying life again, I am smiling again. There is no point in moping over dead family members forever.

But for the past month, I look in the mirror in the mornings and the reflection I see is no longer who I am now. The fresh faced Franz Ferdinand, Elvis, Michael Jackson, Fifties throwback that I apparently evoke is no longer me,

I no longer enjoy the way I look, or the way I wear my hair. I tire of being a peripheral outsider in regards to personality and style.

Well, that’s my feelings on it. People close to me disagree. Perhaps I just want to look like everyone else and fit in..

Regular readers will remember: A Valued Customer Blogpost from last week. Well this was the week I was due to receive the text message to call Orange and order my Free Nokia N80 upgrade.

There was no text, so I called the Customer Retention department. Here is a dramatisation of what happened:

To Orange Customer Services:

Stephen: (enthusiastic) Hello, I’m calling regarding the proposed free upgrade to the Nokia N80 I was promised. I was told last week by a customer rep that I would receive a text informing to call you. Well, there was no text.

Orange: Let me check this for you Mr Sherry. Right, unfortunately we don’t have any of the Nokia N80 in stock for upgrade. Its a popular phone and you are on a waiting list of 4000 customers.

Stephen ( pretty pissed off ) Do you have a time frame as to when the waiting list will be be honoured?

Orange: I wish I could tell you, however it would be wrong to estimate it.

Stephen: Okay, I don’t wish to leave Orange, but other providers are offering me the N80 for free with a nice tariff to go with it. I reiterate, I do not wish to leave you guys. I ask you this: Why is there a waiting list? Surely Orange would estimate that there would be a demand, hence have enough handsets to deliver to customers.

Orange: Well the difference between us and other providers is that we individually test our handsets. A lot of the N80s were rather faulty in operation you see.

Stephen: I understand that. Well, I will call back next week to hear what the state of play will be then. If its still waiting list nonsense I will be asking for my PAC Code.

Orange: Let me see what I can do. I will make a few enquiries to some departments and lets see if we can escalate this. Give me 15 mins Mr Sherry and hopefully I will be able to give you good news.

Stephen: I appreciate your time and assistance. I look forward to your call.

—–

I did not receive that call.

My friend and colleague had a brainwave. He told me to call e2save.com up and get a deal with them. I gave the sales team a call and the chap I had was excellent. He gave me a Free Nokia N80 with half price line rental for 9months.

Guess which network I chose. ORANGE!

don’t get me wrong, Orange have been good to me customer service wise on my queries - EXCEPT when it comes to upgrades. Their selection of upgrade phones are pretty paltry in my opinion. The only downside will be a change in my mobile number. PAC Codes cant be used on new contract phones.

Now to text everyone about my new number.

A sales call regarding my gym membership has made me realise I need to stop wasting that gym subscription and start getting toned up again. I have ate too much junk this year and probably have put on a few unnoticeable pounds.

I ask you dear reader. What kind of regime should I do? The last time I went to a gym, I lasted five minutes. Its embarrassing. I have lost all my fitness.

So your ideas are most welcome.

From: Gwenda Bond

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
No. But they once asked me to ‘ Put they traffic cones back from where you got them from. ‘

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?
I’m a Grade A coward when it comes to these things. I was at M&D’s Theme Park last week and avoided going on the rides apart from the dodgems!

3. When’s the last time you’ve been sledding?
When I was eight years old.

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
Someone else I love.

5. Do you believe in ghosts?
Yes, Ive never seen one - well I don’t think Ive seen one.

6. Do you consider yourself creative?
Yes, especially when someone gives me the creative kick up the ass.

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
Look at the evidence!

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?
Neither. I’m weird when it comes to women.

9. Do you stay friends with your ex’s?
They don’t want to stay friends with me. Usually Ive been discarded. I believe in karma though..

10. Do you know how to play poker?
No. When I used to be a proud Amiga 600 owner I had Cover Girl Strip Poker and I used a cheat to see the women get naked…

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
All the time during my Fat Elvis Period. I didn’t wish to sleep at all. Just eat 24/7.

12. What’s your favourite commercial?
That recent Transforming car one..

13. What are you allergic to?
Penicillin, Doctors and nasty people.

14. If you’re driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around do you run red lights?
I don’t drive!

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?
Yes, as does everyone. Everyone has secrets they never tell anyone.

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?
I hate baseball.

17. Have you ever been Ice Skating?
Twice, in 1990.

18. How often do you remember your dreams?
I remember most of them.

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?
When I saw my former work colleague Sir Alan Macilwraith on the front page of the Daily Record newspaper!

20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles?
Daft question!

21. What’s the one thing on your mind now?
Well, someone I have been curious about…

22. Do you know who Ghetto-ass barbie is?
No.

23. Do you always wear your seat belt?
Oh hell yeah! I’m one of those sad ‘ safety is paramount! ‘ kind of people.

24. What cell service do you use?
Orange! 200 Any time Minutes with 500 FREE Texts per month.

25. Do you like Sushi?
I could eat the stuff forever and a day. Its expensive in Scotland though, so I limit my intake to once per month.

26. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident?
Life is a fatal accident.

27. What do you wear to bed?
Started doing the naked thing again…

28. Been caught stealing?
No.

29. What shoe size do you have?
UK Size 10.

30. Do you truly hate anyone?
Hatred is a weakness which causes stress and can make situations worse than they are. I dislike people, but that is part of human nature. Hatred is another beast altogether, and thankfully I don’t hate anyone. Again lying is human nature as well….

31. Classic Rock or Rap?
Neither.

32. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?
I would like to cuddle into Kate Winslet, but without copulating.

33. Favourite Song?
This week it has been The Sunday’s Heres where the story ends.

34. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror?
A few times..

35. What food do you find disgusting?
Anything that has blood dripping out of it.

36. Do you sing in the shower?
Yes.

37. Did you ever play, “I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours”?
Not for many years!

38. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?
Yes, because I have so much affection for them..

39. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?
Yes. I believe in truth, justice and the all Glaswegian way.

40. Have you ever been punched in the face?
Yes, it was a dark experience that created ripples in the fabric of my social life for quite some time after the event..