I joined a gym last week. This evening was my induction. An induction of pain, embarrassment and slight worry.

Christ on a bike I am so unfit, and I feel ashamed to have left myself go fitness wise. Fitness and cabbage soup was the key many years ago to conquer a ‘ Fat Elvis Period ‘ which left me thin and super fit. After my student years I forgot the exercise yet still remained slim.

Five minutes I lasted on that power walker thing. A device of modern day torture. As I felt ill and breathless, I looked around at all the Swans doing their reps and fat burning, with enough sweat dripping off them to cure a drought. They were once like me. I don’t wish to bulk up. I prefer being slim, toned and healthy.

However, I shall never be a posing swan. Swans are hilarious. Especially if they are mullet wearers.

Okay, do you people out there know what a swan is?