When I first started blogging, I never wanted this to turn into a Blog about cancer. But I feel that a blog is all about one’s feelings and thoughts. Mum dominates my thoughts every day now. Nothing else matters.

She is fading, and she looks to be fading fast. Within 24 hours of last sitting with her, her skin has a yellow tinge which confirms something is wrong with her liver. She now stares into space, and there is not ounce of strength in her voice left.

I sat and held her hand. There was no strength left. Over the last year, I finally noticed that my poor old soul of a mother was a strong woman who had a lot of knocks in her life, but somehow she walked over them. All that strength is gone now. Sitting holding her hand and squeezing it tight as if I was willing some of my strength to pass into her hand and try to fight what is now a lost battle.

I was not alone this evening as my brother flew up from England to see mum. Due to work commitments he last saw her at Xmas and he could not stop crying, nor could I. We decided not to inform her of the possible cancer spread. We just kept asking her to fight on. She looked at both of us and asked: ‘ How do I fight on? Can you tell me how to do it? ‘

She also spoke about leaving the hospice and walking again. Mum also spoke about her wish to go to England and live, finally getting peace from a roller-coaster of an unfulfilled life since dad left us.

But we knew as did she, that she never meant these things. Even in these last days, weeks or month she is shielding her grown up children from the harsh realities that we have to carry on without the emotional backbone of parents.

My brother said his goodbyes to her. Right now, it IS that bad. She lay there just looking at us, then into space, then at us again.I have not said my goodbyes.

I refuse to even though I am prepared of what is happening in front of me. I told her that I wouldn’t give up on her but I dread going to see her every night before she goes into the hospice.

It looks like its going to end soon. I am not religious, but I do hope there is an afterlife as I want to see my parents again one day at there best.

It is a nice thought that.